The Thing We Call LOVE~~~

Hiya peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How’s everything going?! I hope everyone’s in a pink of health in surviving the world’s never-ending crises. Amidst the chaos caused by the power of world’s politics, a high-spirited girl has decided to make a comeback. Guess who?!!!!! ME!!! Yeah, ME!! LOL!~ And by the word comeback, I mean a comeback in the blogging world. Yay ME! I’m back!!!!!! *grab a glass of pink guava juice (my favourite!~ and I don’t drink!), make a toast, on the music, let’s dance!* Okay, cut the celebration and let’s get more formal. (Yeah right~~)

It’s nearly been 6 months since I last posted something on this blog and ever since that a lot of changes have taken place in my life. Six months ago, I was a Malaysian girl studying in her third year in England, trying to finish her dissertation and find a job to get extra money to buy souvenirs for her family members since she’s going back to Malaysia on Christmas Day. Now, I’m a final year student in Malaysia, enjoying my 3-week holidays and preparing for my 3-months practicum starting next month.

The last six months of my life have been a major teacher to me as I have experienced a lot including; working for the first time ever in my life, receiving my first wage, saying goodbyes to my darlings in the UK, adjusting my life back in Malaysia, accepting the fact that some of my friends have changed for the better/worse over the past 2 years of not seeing each other, managing my time to finish more than 6 -7 assignments in 4 months including exams, finding a past time that I love which also acts as an escapism from my hectic life and…….love. Yes, L.O.V.E….. LOVE, to be exact….. Unrequited love.

To be honest, this ‘love’ that I am experiencing is what motivates me to continue writing on this blog. After 4 years of really, really liking/loving a person, I have made a drastic decision to put a ‘period’ to it and this decision had made me grabbed my laptop and start writing this post. So, here is the story………

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Five years ago, an 18-year-old girl got accepted to the International Languages Teacher Training Institute (IPBA) in Kuala Lumpur to further her studies in TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language). That experience had been an eye-opener for her as that was the first time she had to stay away from her family. Living with a family which the only ‘male species’ is the father and having studied in an all-girls school made it harder for her as she had to survive in the atmosphere with more guys in it. Being a naïve girl at that time, she thought that every time she liked a guy, it was love. Fortunately, she had a friend who made it clear to her that there were big differences in loving a person, liking a person and admiring a person. That was also the time when she learned the term ‘platonic love’. From that moment on, she was cautious of her feelings towards guys and that was until…………………….

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It was 2006 and the girl is in her second year of her foundation course. She was invited to a college-mate’s birthday party and that’s when she got acquainted to a guy who’s also studying in the same course but she never had a chance to talk to. Let’s just call him ‘Mr. C’. Now don’t get too excited here because it’s not even his initial. So to my college-mates who are reading this, stop thinking and searching for guys in our course whose name starts with the letter ‘C’. (Is there even any? LOL!~)

The girl had noticed Mr. C since the beginning of the course but had never taken any interest in getting to know him since he kind of had his own ‘clique’. But the meeting at the party changed all her perceptions. Mr. C is not that good looking but his personality got the girl attracted to him. From that moment on, the girl would always get nervous every time Mr. C is around and she would also stole glances at him when there were mass lectures. As a normal typical girl-in-love, she would cuddle her teddy bear on her bed and start thinking of the similarities they both had. Surprisingly, there were many things they had in common. Appearance-wise and also interests. This went on for about a year.

After a year, she realised that it was impossible for Mr. C to like her back. As mentioned before, he had his own clique and the people around him were the popular type who were nearly strangers to the girl (well, not all of them~). So, it was hard for her to get his attention. That was when she decided to just watch him from afar and liking him silently and later, hopefully, getting rid of him from her mind. It was also because the girl will further her studies in the UK and Mr. C is sent somewhere else. (Gotcha right there! I’m not going to mention whether it’s New Zealand or Australia or it will be easier for you, my college-mates to find out. Hee~).

So the girl’s life went on as she slowly tried to forget Mr. C. Every time Mr. C was within her eyesight, she would go away and tell herself that Mr. C and her being together is a no-no. When she was overseas, she stopped stalking Mr. C’s Facebook page and she ignored all the stories she heard about him from her friends. With that determination, it was quite easy for her to not think of Mr. C. After that, she found herself liking or fancying other guys throughout the time but they all turned out to either be just platonic or just for the sake of having someone to like. That was not a problem to her. She started to distant herself from that feeling and things were going on great for her. She busied herself by participating in volunteering activities and cooking! She was happy with her life overseas and she was loving the freedom she had.

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It was January 2010 and all of Cohort 4 students of the B.Ed TESL course have returned from overseas and registered in IPBA for their final year. So did the girl who had returned being a more mature young lady. She came back with the goal of enjoying her final year as a student but at the same time to excel in her studies. She had fun meeting her old friends and she kind of enjoyed the orientation week although it was a horror!

The girl started to think that final year was okay until she spotted Mr. C in a mass lecture. Oh Gosh! She heard from her friends before that Mr. C had changed…. appearance-wise. And boy did she shock her eyeballs because Mr. C really looked different! He looked better and she could see that many girls have started to throw themselves at him already (okay, that was exaggerated..lol). She was convinced that with that kind of makeover, his personality would definitely change and she soon started to hate what she saw before her eyes.

Having the goal of enjoying her final year as a student, the girl decided to sign up for many volunteering programmes and activities. It is not long before she realised that she and Mr. C were both involved in three of the activities together. Being in that situation, she had the same nervousness she felt 4 years ago whenever Mr. C was in sight. They got closer while being involved in the activities and as she had predicted, Mr. C’s personality had indeed changed…. but for the better. He had become more charming and kind. Now THAT is the definition of a real gentleman in the girl's dictionary. She found herself thinking of Mr. C every minute, every hour and that was when she decided it was LOVE!

Refusing to lose the guy that she loves, the girl took any given opportunities to make herself visible in front of Mr. C which include dieting and appearance makeover. However, she made sure that her intention was not obvious. Luckily, the girl has friends who would always give her tips and advices whenever she needed them. It was confirmed then that Mr. C had finally noticed her, but that time, not as a friend but as a lady instead. He would wait for the girl after any activities they involved in and walked back to the hostel together before saying their goodbyes. He talked to her more often than before. Previously, the girl would steal glances at Mr. C and observed his actions. That time, whenever she glanced at Mr. C, she would find Mr. C was also looking at her. The girl was in cloud nine and when she first received a text from Mr. C, she felt like she was the happiest girl in the world.

While the girl was loving the attention she received from Mr. C, it was finally time for their 3-week holidays. Other students were relieved and happy that they finally got a decent amount of holidays for their busy year but not the girl. She was not happy because the holidays means that she would not be able to see Mr. C for 3 weeks… and that would be like 3 years for her. During her holidays, she would stalk Mr. C’s Facebook page again and looked at every comment he made on other’s profile. She would also write catchy statuses with the hopes that Mr. C will notice them and leave a comment. She also waited for Mr. C’s texts and calls day and night.

To her disappointment, all her hard work failed. Mr. C didn’t leave a single comment on her Facebook page and he didn’t text or call her at all! She was devastated and cried every night before sleeping for several days. The girl was lucky because one of her best and closest friends were willing to accompany her on YM every night and listen to her. That friend would also give her wise advices.

One day, while arranging her storybooks on a shelf, she found a book that she got for free for buying a magazine while she was in the UK but did not bother to finish reading it. The book is…… ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ (yup, the one that they made into a movie starring the ever-so-hot Bradley Cooper! LOL!). The book was like calling for her to read it and she did. After she read the first chapter, everything seemed clear to her. If a guy likes you, he will ask you out. If he doesn’t, that means he is just not that into you. If a guy likes you, he will call you. If he doesn’t, then he’s just not that into you. That made the girl realised that Mr. C is just not that into her. I mean, we’re talking about 4 years here! 4 years for goodness sake!! After thinking for sometime, the girl finally made the decision to stop thinking of Mr. C ever again and she felt good about it. Kudos to Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo for writing an amazing book and finally made the girl realised how distant she was from reality and that she must start facing it.

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So, there you go. The story that I’ve been dying to share with you guys. I don’t feel ashamed to reveal how naïve and stupid I was because I know that this happens to girls all the time. The friend that I chat with every night asked me whether I was okay or not after making the decision and I said I was. Well the truth is, I wasn’t and I’m still not okay. I’ve been all over this guy for 4 years and I can’t just throw him out of my head overnight. Honestly, he’s still in my mind 24/7. He is the first person I think about every time I wake up in the morning and he is the last person that I think of before I go to sleep every night. I still like him…A LOT! And if he ever going to ask me out in the future, I will say yes! But guess what, I am learning to let go of this feeling and I know it takes time.

I have to realise that I won’t get everything I want in this world. I can’t force him to like me. He has the right to like whoever he wants in future and I know that he will. It will be a lie if I say that I won’t feel sad if he ever dated a girl in the future. Of course I will! But there is no reason for me to be mad at him. It’s not his fault that I like him so much and it’s not his fault that he didn’t notice me. I just have to bear in mind that he’s just not that into me. So, there’s no grudge, no hate. All I can say right now is, I like Mr. C. Period! I’m not going to keep thinking about him anymore. There are more important things for me to think of right now like my practicum, posting and so on. I’m glad and thankful that I got to experience all this because it made me realise that I’m worth it. I deserve to smile, I deserve to be loved by a man and I deserve to be happy. Maybe it’s just not the time yet.

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P/S: A zillion bunch of thanks to Hanis, Syila, Meng, Arifah, Hanin, Nisrin and Syaz for always listening to my ‘love’ experiences and giving me very, very brilliant advices.

To Intan, thank you so much for accompanying and listening to me every night and thank you for supporting me all these while. You’ve been the biggest help! I love ya! (And thanks for making the banner for this blog! People, the banner above was made by Intan! *applause*)

P/P/S: I’m glad I decided to share my first experience of ‘real love’ with everyone. I hope it will help any of you people who happen to read this entry. If not, well.. hope you just enjoy reading it. LOL! I pray that everyone will find their true love one day and I wish you good luck for them. If you have, Congratulations! In the mean time, please pray for my friends and I for our soon-to-come practicum. Thanks and I love you all!!!